It was either by choice, or by ridiculous storms, which prevented the adults from thinking.
The only thing interesting about Nails was his jaundice, recently brought on by being born again. “Not another second of this can I stand mon’” screamed Toots as he smoked himself to death and passed into Reggae heaven. Denny Anyone picked up his scratch and motioned to Cho, trailing in with “…the Pig Blood Porridge and he’ll have the Pork Stomach Porridge”. O’Donnell was now demanding down beats on the 2’s and 4’s from D. Rich and then something happened. As D. Rich steered the conversation away from the inevitable D’yer Maker, Spirit of Radio, Live and Let Die scenarios by stating “It was a big deal when I switched my wallet from my left pocket to my right…”, everything not nailed down turned into Crystal Gale. A giant Crystal Gale. She turned on her television and threw her snifter into the fire. As soon as she hit the chair her body stiffened as she was entranced by the wondrous voice of Julian Tavarez narrating the Telenovela. She focused on the subtitles which read:
Griselda speaks “Brollik, the policia are patrolling the skies with their jet packs. We must find D. Rich and his Power Drum Suit, he must save us…”
Nails speaks “Griselda, ever since D. Rich found out that he was both O’Donnell’s uncle and son, and that the alternate universe he had been living in was just a dream and that there are no talking tigers, and that his famous march across the Rio Grande was merely a book he had read about Poncho Villa, …well… he just can bear to be in the band anymore. He’s moved off and went back to Masky’s Cave.”
Enter Eric Estrada after having flung a grappling hook into Maingey’s thigh shouting “That is for impregnating my partner John!”
{This story now abruptly removes this nonsense of subtitles and disregards any need for the coddling of its readers.}
“Maingey” said O’Donnell slightly off-topic “if you want to send her a message that you’re not interested just call her the wrong name next time you see her.”
It was in this moment of confusion that Nails attempted his escape. He had weaved another Power Drum Suit and with it he took to the sky to battle the crooked cops. He ended up in the hospital next to a woman who turned out to be of no relation. In the next room lay Maingey, beaten by Estrada and mauled by wolves. He was only saved because one of the cops had lost control of his jetpack, landed in a sheep herd and pulled Maingey to safety. The cop turned out to be his step-cousin. “Griselda, we must go to Masky’s lair and convince D. Rich that he has to come back” pleaded Ana. Griselda and Ana hopped into a suit and took off towards Masky’s Cave. Ana would never be heard from again.
When the light hit the room you could see that the room was green. Strewn about were old power drum suits, littered with burn holes and tears. You could almost see D. Rich busting out of them with the smell of fear in his nose. That he ever agreed to don another one was beyond Maingey. O’Donnell kicked at the scraps and took a deep breath. When he exhaled he nodded. After he nodded he went catatonic. Maingey threw a pitch fork at him. Masky was reading the New Britain Herald.
After a brief pause and genuflect D. Rich dreamed a dream. Through this dream he communicated Brollik Service Announcement Number R to everyone within a hectare and a half perimeter. It was to deal with O’Donnell’s year long ban of guitar solos for testing positive for human growth hormone. The Power Drum Suit spoke D. Rich’s dream thusly: “Turns out God is the oldest living woman. I met her one Monday when I was at La Cocina ordering burritos and she was behind me in the queue telling me to change my order. We had both called in sick that day from work. She disappeared for a spell but now she’s back and fond of emailing spam to agnostics and burning atheists. For the first month of O’Donnell’s suspension Nails must take all of the solos.”
Thus began National Keyboard Solo Month. Unfortunately, Nails only knew one solo, in one key, and played it in every song no matter what tempo, genre or tonal center. It took 27 days for Super fan Sillman to notice but finally the damage to Brollik’s reputation had to be reversed. For the next 11 months D. Rich and Maingey had to kick their soloing into high gear in order to escape the Telenovela. Once freed from it they would lean on Suge to extract them from all things Crystal Gale.
But Suge was no more. He had made passage on the latest Voyage of the Mimi (something he had dreamed of doing since his time at Degrassi Junior High).
It was Griselda who hired Bryce Manheim, Dairy Magnate from Nebraska, to manage the band. Bryce enjoyed the ability to mispronounce everything, from names to common phrases. Bryce booked Brollik on the Barbara Mandrel Comedy Hour when, out of the blue, Crystal stepped through the studio roof with space boots and appeared in full cosmonaut regalia. Mildly amused by the tenor of the conversation Mandrel had been holding with Brollik, Crystal interjected herself during the shocking pause her entrance created and asked D. Rich what the D stands for. “The D stands for decrudescence, because that’s what I do for people, with the help of my Power Drum Suit that is.”
But with the utterance of decrudescence everyone who heard it had been carried off in the Rapture. O’Donnell, Nails, Maingey and Bryce had not been however since they never listened to D. Rich anyway. “Bye Griselda” Maingey faintly spoke.
Everyone had been a little on edge since escaping the Telenovela/Crystal Gale fiasco and it was only heightened by the discovery that Chimpy had joined a social network. “Sycophantic dullard who enjoys cheeses, short movies and multi-vitamins” was his status. O’Donnell worried aloud that “other primates might try to stalk him”. D. Rich’s worry manifested itself in the additions of a helmet cam and an air conditioning unit to his suit. “I need to combat the heat of the stage lights” he would often say. Maingey, well…he could barely touch a cigarette as he fretted over Chimpy or another Drum Suit implosion. “Give me one shot of Paddy’s” said Maingey as he held up two fingers. “It must be high noon somewhere.” Nails stopped writing because he got sick at Snacky’s and was never the same again. Somebody started to brush their teeth.
And when the last note of delay finally ended from U2’s LA rooftop performance, Brollik became a board game.
shannonmulready 